An Unpolite way to learn English

ONE EYE SIMON'S TIP FOR FAKING IT

When you read something in English you can take as much time as you need to understand everything. However, when you speak English you have to think on your feet, sometimes it can be embarrassing or even a bit scary. Follow my
advice and impress English speakers by appearing more fluent.

If an English speaker asks you a question stroke your chin and look like you were thinking about something else for a few seconds before you answer. This will give you time to decide if you understood the question or if you need to hear it again. It should help you to avoid embarrassing situations, like this:

Native speaker: So, where do you come from,
then?
Johnny Foreigner: Yes, I would love to.
Native speaker : ?
(Native speaker explains her question again and they both
laugh nervously about the misunderstanding. Johnny
Foreigner is ashamed and commits suicide two hours later.)

Say ‘you know what I mean’ or ‘like’ after everything you say. Many English speakers add unnecessary words like these to their sentences. It is often considered a bad habit among native speakers. However, it will make you seem really cool if English is not your first language.

See how well Jeanette Foreigner does things:

Native speaker: Did you enjoy the film?

Jeanette Foreigner: Yeah. It was, like, quite good. You know what I mean? Did you like it?

Native speaker: I thought it was, you know, all right, like. Do you want to go to the cinema with me next week?

Jeanette Foreigner: I’m sorry, Dave has invited me.He doesn’t,like, try to stroke my leg during the film. And he’s much better looking than you. You know what I mean?

Native speaker: Oh, right…

Tap your wrist when you ask, “What time is it, please?” Do not tap your crotch when you ask, “Where are the toilets, please?” If you ‘invent’ a new word (by saying a word from your own first language with an English speaking accent) don’t stop, just ignore it and continue with what you are saying. Even if it doesn’t exist, the native speaker will think it is real word and feel embarrassed
that he doesn’t know it. If you make somebody repeat a question three times and you still can’t understand just say, “That’s none of your business, you ugly bastard”, look insulted and walk away. The person will think you’re mad but they will think that your English is excellent.
Frown when you speak to someone in English, it makes you seem much more credible. This really works! The person in front of you will think you know
exactly what you are talking about.